Yeah yeah, whatever, insert angsty BS here about growing up. I don't think I've known a single person who didn't feel the anxiety of maturing or reaching some sort of expectation for themselves. We all find importance in different things, though, and certainly we expect many different things from ourselves. I've met individuals who are home owners and only a few years older than I am, and are capable of great pettiness, with a tendency to be occupied in their completely self contained world where they only understand things in relation to how it affects them personally. I know relatively homeless, odd-jobbers who spend their spare cash on shiny pieces of cardboard, but have somehow managed to gather an outlook on life that is sympathetic, worldly, and, for the most part, seek to always extend the hand of help to others if possible. I think the my mindset a year ago might've been to try and understand which attitude was more mature or grown up... but now I certainly don't relate these to a single idea of adulthood.
I went out after University hoping to find a finite number of paths to follow for self progress, only to see that it was less of crossroads in front of me and more of a massive bus station. I mentioned before that I felt to be in a labyrinth with no way of seeing, but I was wrong - because every time I am back at this station, I know exactly where I am. Furthermore, I know there could be any number of buses coming and going anywhere - of course you don't know exactly where, but you know some idea of the directions. Naturally, you don't have to take the bus, you can walk up and down city streets any way you like with no ticket charge, but your two feet can only carry you so fast. When you look around to see what others are doing, you find there is no Clear sequence or method to their madness: some are crowding and climbing on top of the buses, dangerously filled to capacity, others are strolling leisurely in the exact opposite direction, and, oddly enough, there are so many who are sat at the bus stop who look to have not moved so much as an inch since they arrived, and have no intent, or even hope, of moving now.
It's only with reflection and having this place fresh in your memory do you realize how many times you have been there, and probably will again. No one wants to screw it up on the first departure, and no one wants to feel as if they are regressing with nothing to show. What I forgot was that I had already had my first departure long ago from that bus station, and took the first shuttle to the airport and spent 4 years studying before coming back. University gave me a long trip away from it, and when I returned it was nearly terrifying doing it again, after such a success... but I went for it and ended in Portland. Then that fell through, situations changed, and suddenly I was in San Diego. Then I departed in to a short lived career in sales, then missed the bus both for the San Diego Police Department and the video games industry (...yeah, I guess that interview didn't go as well as I thought!). Now I am effectively working in a small concessions stand inside the bus station [just to continue the metaphor that much further], stocking shelves and serving those passing through as I wait for the right bus for me to get out of town.
After a year of thought, I've concluded that the fear of returning to the bus stop after pushing yourself out, despite reservation or risk, is Youth in Desult. All those bodies sitting in the bus station going nowhere are crippled by the possibility of failure, even though where they sit is the worst place you could end up. Even though I work in the bus station, its not much better than simply sitting and doing nothing, unless I decide to buy a ticket and hop the next bus out, no matter how many times I have to try, until one day, I won't have to stay at that bus station - or if I return, it'll be for pleasure rather than business.
In that way, after having left and come back so frequently, I find that this state of being is more comforting than terrifying. In a sense, there is opportunity all around you, and the only thing you could lose is your ego. As I said before, this is the baseline, the worst possible outcome of trying to get out is to end up right back here. So I've resolved to try and define my own path from the possibilities in front of me, despite fear or risk. People, as I said before, have different expectations of themselves - and perhaps my fear or uncertainty came from expecting too much perfection from my performance. I'm learning to accept that a constant upward tendency is impossible in life. With effort and willingness, though, your final outcome is most assuredly positive. Failure, in many ways, prepares and fortifies us with the knowledge necessary to succeed. Success needs failure. And after a year of pretty consistent and almost humorous failure, I am getting closer to squelching my absolute aversion of it, and accepting it as a sort of necessary evil.
That being said, what's the next bus to catch? I have decided after long talks with Fiona as well as giving much thought to what satisfies me that I'm going to take an approach for my career that I've pondered as an 'if-only-that-could-happen' my entire life. I've been giving advice and trying to understand personal struggle and development of the individual all of my life. Too many times I've joked, "If only I could just offer people help or advice for my job". For some reason it took me this long to have it click that it can, indeed, be done - so I've decided to pursue a degree in Counseling and Therapy. The application has been sent off to my alma mater, and I hope to hear back very soon.
In the meantime, I've continued to stock shelves at the pharmacy, and have even picked up a second job as a tutor (though business is only just starting in that venue). I've made a few new friends out of the acquaintances at the game shop, and I'm growing my circle in San Diego actually going out and, you know, doing stuff. Like watching lovely Ismael try and finish the Big Nick Burger from the local greasy spoon diner.
I've had family close during the last few holidays, including a hilarious first Halloween with Saria, and two delicious Thanksgiving feasts, one El Salvadorean and Southern from Simon's family, and the other a well needed and anticipated traditional roast that Hillary prepared. It definitely did not disappoint, and I have been happily gorging on Turkey for the last 10 days or so. In full cheesy family glory, we even went to watch the Christmas tree get lit in Balboa Park.
As for Christmas, I'll also be leaving to visit the UK in about a week, and I can't wait to be back in Scotland for an entire month (it's becoming an annual tradition it seems!) and spend the rest of the holidays with the Roberts'! Most importantly, I can't wait to be reunited with Fiona after 5 months apart... it's been far too long. Hopefully an acceptance letter will do a lot to remove that problem from my life.
After years of scorning failure, I'm learning the necessity of putting yourself out there with no need for a finite or guaranteed return. Ironically, that is the only way you will make gains or progress for yourself. Every one of those tiny personal gains can contribute to actualizing a goal... so it's time to be certain of yourself, even if you may be uncertain of what those long off goals may be. While I'm not sure that'll make me a 'proper adult' or finally put me out of this limbo, I do know that by my standards it can only do me good and only lead me to better opportunities for the future. And I don't think I know a single person who this strategy wouldn't be good for, to some extent.
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