Limbo

So things have gone pretty well since coming home. I arrived from a long flight back to California, and I was tired as hell and certainly loopy. I got a lift from a good friend who I paid back with a proper American burger (thanks again Sara!), and managed to get back to my dads that night. The next morning, I was up at 7 am, did a valve job on the Volkswagen, and set out for San Diego with my luggage, which comprised almost the entirety of my earthly possessions.

 It was actually so relatively painless I couldn't believe it. So painless, in fact, that every part of me felt that I must be accruing some horrid tab with fate that would be paid back as debilitating obstacles around every corner during my search for employment. So I searched for jobs, applying to every advert I could find from the normal sources, and then finally turning to Craigslist and sending out some feelers which I'd never done before. It just seemed so sketchy, but I was told employers are more chilled out on there so I went for it. Lo and behold, I avoided the universe's expected kick in the nuts again, and got an interview within the first week of sending out applications.

So here's the deal. I haven't written a blog post in so long because I feel I'm in a bit of limbo. I went out and got myself a suit, interviewed 3 times against candidates that seemed to have more expertise and interest than me and got myself a new job. I reckon it must've been my delicious wit and professional charm, or my sexy suited look... or the attention my loud ass Beetle attracted in the parking lot. I guess its a good thing I got my hair cut between the purchase and the interview though.

 It took me 2 weeks to get a job, however I have to wait til the next month to begin the job. So I'm just kinda... here. Waiting. I feel like the hammer is gonna drop and I'm going to get squashed like so many more before me - and yet good things keep on happening. Admittedly, the job is a sorta corporate cold calling sales deal, but I'm making efforts to give new opportunities I'd have previously dismissed a chance. I figure I have all the time in the world... if I'm gonna waste it, at least I can make a paycheck and have some satisfaction of work and a reference to put on my resume. The place seems fun and the product is good. Any office that has a certain lack of cubicles and blares Daft Punk through the office wide speakers seems pretty cool - I wouldn't have taken the job if it didn't at least seem fun from the outside looking in. I still have that lingering feeling of impending doom. I guess its in my nature a bit to be suspicious of things that seem too good to be true...

Other than that, I have been trying to settle into the first proper home I've had since maybe my dad's old place in high school. In Scotland, I'd always knew that living situations were temporary - even if I did stay in the country I'd be moving to a different place if and when I got a job, so I never bothered fully settling into a flat, even if I had one for 2 years. After Uni, it was short stints in different lodgings, whether it was dads couch, mom's empty house, my cousin's place, Fiona's flat or an assortment of campsite along the road to Portland. None of those were homes though. So now its trying to focus on what I want to do, what my recreation will be as I transition into full time working life. I've found local bars and restaurants thanks to Hillary and Simon (especially an awesome El Salvadorian place).

 I discovered some hobbies I can pursue, whether it be craft beer or even bloody card games with Simon. There's even a damn game shop around the corner. Not to mention I've gotten to working on the car and getting some tattoos from my dad.

But even the act of changing my bank accounts and driver's license to my accurate address is a strange transition into a permanent when I've been so long without one I guess. The emotional complex involved in binding yourself to something is a bit more difficult than I thought it would be, considering certain goals I would like to achieve in the next few years. It's odd making job commitments when you want to travel or even live in other countries for extended periods of time at some point in your lifetime. I try to justify it as gathering skills to make those opportunities happen, but it still feels strange.

Beyond just personal interests, I've been enjoying my time with family. One of the reasons I wanted to move back to the states was to spend time with my niece and be able to visit family more conveniently. Even though my mom and brother are no longer in Southern California, I've enjoyed this month spending time with my sister and getting to know Saria a lot better and figuring out all her idiosyncrasies and seeing her good and bad behavior. Viewing the state of being we all were in once is so enlightening, and its turned out to be a cerebral experience for me.

It is remarkable to see a small creature learn and grow into what will eventually become an equal. Moreover, its even more incredible to interact with children only a few years older, and see how developed they are in comparison. Hillary's friend has a 4 year old and sometimes babysits another one - and its amazing to see what only 2 and a half years will do to Saria. And then you think about your own feelings and wonder what 21 more will do. It's easy to see how your concerns, anxieties and problems are so small and transient in our personal growth... I've found it to be a pacifying and comforting way of looking at this period of transition. It seems more  sensible to not look at this time in my life as transitioning, but rather our entire aging process as one massive metamorphosis of sorts.


I guess this post was a sort of big summary of... well not much. Lots of little things, but I feel like I'm mostly biding my time. Its as if I'm just emulating adulthood without quite being there yet - but I guess we have to go through the motions sometimes until we realize exactly what we are doing or what we have done. That doesn't change the fact that the suit still felt a little grown up for me... I'm sure next time I'll have some more light to shed once I actually start my new career - only a week to go!