Taking Stock

First of all, just want to apologize for the delay in my postings... Though I'm sure no-one is keeping tabs on the frequency of my posts, they have gotten a bit more spread out due to being busy with quite a few things, as will be explained in this entry. Anyways, on with the show.

Following my brief stay at Hillary's, and visiting a few folk in the Pasadena area, I hopped onto a flight that I felt like I'd waited ages for. The destination was not a new one, but one all too familiar, or so I thought. And while most everyone I hang out with in California knew I'd be leaving, some at my destination were left in the dark. It was time for the return to Scotland after only 6 months of being gone, and I expected everything to be much the same - though, upon reflection, that was pretty silly conclusion to come to. I think its the habit of all people to be surprised that the world moves as fast as they do when they aren't present, but even knowing that doesn't prevent the trap from being sprung.

My flight was typical, with an added flavor of excitement and anxiety about meeting Fiona, my ex girlfriend (for lack of a better term) who I had been speaking heavily to for the vast majority of the time since I'd left university. We'd split because I'd finished University and was going home, but that puts it simply... certainly plenty of ups and downs, and neither of us knew exactly what it was going to be like once I landed. And I was to be staying with her for precisely a month. Certainly, I was doing well to keep the beer flowing to keep my calm - I get airplane nerves normally and all I needed to get me really worked up was the distant fear that our reunion might not be sweet, so I relaxed, drank up, read some more King Arthur, and watched a few films, and within a short 11 hours I was in London.

After a short exchange with the UKBA Officer, who sort of threatened not to let me into the country funnily enough, I caught my next flight to Edinburgh. And that passed quickly too, and soon I was on the ground with my heart pumping blood so fast I could hear it in my ears and feel it in my temples. I practically jumped off the plane, and quickly made my way to the baggage claim. And when we saw each other it was exactly what we had been expecting - some tears, a long embrace, a few kisses, and simple joy that this moment so long coming had actually arrived. It was funny - we had both been so anxious, that something that we of course had mutual feelings over had seemed such a risk. Yeah, there was a lot of risk, but it wasn't gonna happen right off the plane. Yet it was still so novel and so amazing, even holding hands waiting for my bloody bag to come of the plane. And we got the bus home, then a taxi back to hers, and I was for the first time in my life an extremely jet lagged and ill zombie for the first few days.

Over the last few weeks, Fiona and I did alot of things together - plenty of relaxing with our favorite shows, seeing films, going out for cocktails, preparing cooking projects together, going to the zoo, visiting friends in Aberdeen, showing up at flat parties, shopping, getting the traditional birthday sushi and the like... but those were just for us, and so I've decided not to dwell on them too much. At least, I'll try as hard as I can to make sure this blog won't turn into a soppy romance too quickly. Here's some pictures anyways because I can't resist.

Of course I've also had some funny nights and stupid stories, including revelations while playing my original drinking game "Shit Storm" that my friend effectively had sex with a Land Rover, losing a Panda Hat in a house riddled by drug soaked hipsters who literally all looked and dressed identically, epic Aberdonian fish suppers and sneaking beer into Anchorman 2, spending more time in the UK watching American Football than I do in the US, meeting a brilliant old lady in a cocktail bar/restaurant who was a neuroscientist (well, I suppose Fiona really took a liking to her more than I did), etc. However, I prefer to relate the bits that have had the biggest impact on my newly attained adult status that I've had a certain lack of direction in. I can think of a few events from the past few weeks that have taught me a lot about myself, my expectations, and what route I am to take now when I return to the default world back in San Diego. (unfortunately it does not involve taking home with me this massive dog)

First, trusting other people. It seems stupid and basic, but I've realized after a few conversations with Fiona that I will hide certain details or truths not for fear of actually explaining the issue at hand, but for fear of the individual in mind not being able to cope well with it. It's not an issue of trusting with information, in my mind it's an issue of possibly hurting one's emotional stability for the value of the knowledge they had gained. Of course, in most people's minds it sounds no different than just plain lying, because... well, it is no different. As I'm entering adulthood, I've had trouble treating my peers, especially those who are my own age, as adults - and I spend too much time and effort trying to make life convenient for other people when it isn't, and especially when attempting to do so results in the opposite effect. When I care a lot for someone, I try to avoid being the bearer of bad news to prevent being shot, but bullet wounds heal - it's much harder to recover a relationship that involves one party never being sure whether they should have a gun to your head or not. People need to trust that those they feel most strongly for can carry a load and deal with problems. Luckily, the particular issues in question that brought revelation have been helped a great deal by a long discussion and getting to equal ground... I intend to carry that trust with me in all my relationships, whether personal, professional, or otherwise. It's just the whole seeming like a blunt, cold, intentionally hurtful person that can be sometimes inconvenient.

Second, not to be afraid of change. I came to Scotland truly expecting that very little would have changed in 6 months, and I'm surprised how much really did. People got jobs, ended relationships, started new ones, revived past endeavors, left for foreign lands but most interestingly they changed mindsets an awful lot. One particularly shocking one for me when it reached my ears was that my friend, after being in a job he hated and being in a proper rut for quite a while after University, had gone on antidepressants and it totally flipped a switch. He went from his own Youth in Desult for 3 years to his job, which he hated before, becoming a point of pride, exceeding his sales marks more than 200%; he left an unhealthy relationship in pursuit of a new one, in which he is now extremely happy; with his better job prospects, he's more generous than ever and extremely happy to give. I received this news while completely shitfaced unfortunately, and I acted proper childish and selfish - I loved my cynical dick of a friend, and I felt like he'd been brainwashed by happy pills, and I spent the wee hours after New Years being unfairly emotional (luckily Fiona is amazing and actually dealt with my incoherent nonsense - profuse apologies came the next day in tide). Given a few days of thinking about it though, I realized how happy I was for him. He's finally over a big shitty stage in his life, one that I primarily knew him in, and as he's entered a new one, sure he's gotten a new outlook on life to go with it - that doesn't change the fact he's one of my best friends, and he will continue to be one. And we want our friends to be happy, even if it means they are going down a road that you won't be able to travel with them for the time being, and we may not even understand the walking down that road in the first place when compared to previous conversations. People change, we change, situations change; its hard as hell, but you have to keep an open mind about it as much as possible.

Finally, the point is eventual happiness and stability, and we all make those standards for ourselves. I had lunch on my birthday with another on of my best friends, though in the past year had drifted apart due to us both having relationships and what not. Ian, while we always got on extremely well, kinda went the opposite direction from me when it came to careers: he did maths, I did English, he (very responsibly) sorted a graduate job while still at Uni and is now in a great position with a great firm getting a great starting salary, while I sorta wasn't ready to make up my mind, and if you've been reading earlier posts, I'm still not exactly ready to decide on a career path. He knew what he needed to get what he wanted, so getting a job for him in the finance sector was easy - I looked through tons of those same opportunities and they made my insides want to melt. When we met up for lunch, I feel bad for saying this, but I thought he'd actually find my situation a bit laughable. Not like he didn't care, or he was trying to be a prick or something, but just it'd never been an issue for him, or never seemed to be one, so he'd find it a bit stereotypical or something. Quite the contrary actually, and I felt like he was my best friend again for the first time in a very long time - what he said to me about the whole career ideal, after asking what sort of job I'm looking for, my response being, "I dunno man, I'm just trying to get something to try out and then see how it goes and if I need to change", he told me all that matters is that you find something you're happy doing, otherwise there's no point to it. Once again, so fucking simple, and if any single one of my friends asked the same advice from me, I'd give the same answer - yet coming from Ian it was so important to hear. The guy who is happy with his job and has his future sorted out for him says, "there's no point unless you're happy", then I think I can feel a little bit less guilty about taking so long to settle on something... I guess the problem is just about every job I see doesn't look like itll induce an ounce of happiness, but we both agreed that all I really have to do is try the job, and if its not for me then I can find a new one. Even if its shitty now, every step towards finding that job that makes you happy is a step in the right direction, even if it takes you to on a roadtrip to Portland, then a plane ride to Scotland, then to San Diego, you get the idea. Easy enough said, though I have distinct doubts it'll be just as easy done.... A morale boost is always appreciated though.

So, while I was so unsure of this investment in coming to Scotland, I think it has more than certainly paid off. While I'm certainly uncertain and definitely do not have the whole career lock down like Ian, coming and seeing everything and how its different has allowed me to take stock of my own crap, and think clearly about what it is I want and how I want to tackle stuff, to trust those around me and not be afraid of change while in an environment where everything will, probably more suddenly than gradually, change. No matter how quick or slow the changes, though, I try to look favorably on all my misadventures and experiences, even if they may seem to an outsider a big glorious waste of time. Its the stupid shit that gets us closer that that eventual success and happiness - and just like my friend, its necessary for most of us to get temporarily angry, a bit cynical, feel like shit, do shitty jobs, experience shitty things, in order to find some sense of satisfaction in the way things have turned out. And hey, you get to do some fun stupid shit as well; just think of all the Land Rovers you could have sex with! Not to mention all the important quality time you get to spend with someone you really care about, that makes a lot of the shit worth it for the immediate joy... and thinking about that makes me very ambivalent about leaving - really wishing I could bring someone home with me. And I had more permanent examples of her artwork.

  Hopefully I'll be busy enough struggling for work and hanging out with Hillary, Simon and Saria to keep me distracted! Though that may be asking a bit much... and I'm not sure if I do entirely hope for that to be the case.