Keep on Keeping on

It has been nearly three months since my last post, and I'm not going to lie, I have no excuse. Except the whole, you know, not really coming up with an amazing Revelation to express to my readers about what I've really been learning during my most recent bout of unemployment. But that ends today! Vacation time is over, no matter how good it has been! And I'll be sure to let you all know about it.

Now first things first, here's a very abridged update of the last 3 months of my life.

I quit my job! Woohoo! No more breaking down cardboard, stocking shelves, helping people navigate extremely basic computerized kiosks, or running 35mm film (okay the last part wasn't so bad except for the odd awkward 'romantic' roll, but still). 'Why would you ruin such a deliciously stable source of minimum wage income?', you may ask, and my answer is Christmas vacation with the Roberts'. And I regret nothing. Not only did I get to spend priceless time with Fiona, but I also got to forge some excellent relationships with her family, got absolutely spoiled multiple times feasting and drinking (thinking about it still gives me some guilt only because it was all so good and I put on too much weight), and I got to see some awesome parts of Scotland that I'd yet to see. Of course I also got to see and catch up with most of the mates I've missed as well. Being in the Roberts' house also gave me a chance to patch things up with Fiona's sister, who used to be one of my best friends - time heals all wounds after all, and I'm so happy we're getting on well again.
 

 

 

As you can see from this small collection, It was a lovely holiday and I was especially sad to come back to the states. Unfortunately, real life does beckon at some point or another. If anything, the trip solidified my resolve to continue in pursuing a graduate programme in Counselling at Edinburgh and certainly reminded me how sweet it would be to be reunited with some of my best friends. Speaking of which, lots of big updates occurred on the uni front as well. I celebrated my 23rd birthday less than a week after returning from Scotland, and the University gave me the very appreciated present of a second stage application statement form. Lot's of excitement, but also lot's of work - the nature of the degree I'm pursuing means that I had to answer questions ranging from "What is 'maturity' and how does it relate to yourself?" to "Please say something about where you are in your life now, and why you want to pursue this study". Turns out this blog prepared me to answer at least a few of those questions.

After answering a page of 18 questions from the University with over 10,000 words of my own and an excellent reference from Kim (Thank you so much!), they have invited to the next interview stage of the application, set for mid March. I must say, after my last bout of unemployment, my current interview-to-hire ratio is not spectacular, so there is a fair amount of shaking in my boots. This, however, isn't just another job, and I plan to give it my absolute best. In my mind there's no room for Error, and I have to keep my mindset thinking that way.

While finishing up my University application took up most of my time (and most of my money) for three weeks, I'm now in the midst in trying to land a more current gig. I've been employed by some tutoring agencies, but the hours unfortunately aren't enough.  I've had a few interviews, but unfortunately none of them have panned out or they have yet to get back to me, which is starting to get fairly annoying. With some encouragement from Fiona, it has made my social life a fair bit richer though. I've made some new friends and found some new excuses to visit new bars and restaurants in the area, go on some hikes, and, of course, where would I be without some games of cards.

While my application may be moving forward slowly but surely, I've noticed a lot of people in my life entering new phases of life. Whether they be moving forward professionally, romantically, or personally, I feel like I'm at a phase of comparing my own growth to others, and trying to help others do better as a way of trying to find the answers for myself. Often times I think it's useful to observe and help others overcome issues or transitions.... it gives one a referent to a wider breadth of knowledge to draw from when its time to make changes for yourself.  My brother making his steps towards marriage and new career, one of my new best friends dealing with the challenges of a recent divorce, and friends adapting to stay out of unemployment, even if it means going back to school 15 years after most graduate, shows the way that changing is not a single transitory phase of life, but an eternal undercurrent that is always going to be present. I figure it's better to get used to it sooner rather than later.

That being said, part of the reason why I have not been posting is because my changes are miniscule as of yet. I am making steps and progress towards to bigger lifestyle changes - in the next few months I may be moving back to Scotland, or, for all I know, another state as things change around in my professional life. I've made so many realizations in the past year and a half of what making those changes means, and the discipline necessary to do so, that I feel like I am currently in a rinse-repeat cycle of reviewing my knowledge rather than discovering whole new concepts. Wanting to change means wanting to become something else, or wanting to identify yourself and find value in a different aspect of your life. That, of course, is easier said than done. Going through changes, and watching others go through the same, highlights the elements that you wish to Seek out in yourself. Progress may be slow, but the desire to move in that direction does make it inevitable, so long as we are willing to keep pushing in that direction. Right now all I can focus on is continuing down that path of change - 'keep on keeping on' is how I constantly phrase it when I talk about it. For me, that means taking every moment I can to give my girlfriend a break from her heavy workload, trying to get my volunteering opportunities squared away, get some source of income that is remotely stable, and enjoy the time I have with my family because you never know what direction you may be going. If that means being boring for the time being, so be it, it's all a part of reforming, redefining, and disciplining yourself to know the important things when they come along and to soberly make the important decisions that will lead to personal satisfaction. And of course, do more stuff like the following in the mean time:

 

A Year in Desult with What to Show?

It's been a year and three days since I started writing this blog, and its purpose is to track the development or transfer from some straight out of college Youth in Desult to some semblance of proper adult. So, I guess we're due for a sum up episode, but the frustrating point of the business is this: what the hell is a 'proper adult'? What sort of interests do they have, what sort of lifestyle, what sort of qualifications are necessary to be identified as one? Do they even exist beyond a self-imposed identity?

Yeah yeah, whatever, insert angsty BS here about growing up. I don't think I've known a single person who didn't feel the anxiety of maturing or reaching some sort of expectation for themselves. We all find importance in different things, though, and certainly we expect many different things from ourselves. I've met individuals who are home owners and only a few years older than I am, and are capable of great pettiness, with a tendency to be occupied in their completely self contained world where they only understand things in relation to how it affects them personally. I know relatively homeless, odd-jobbers who spend their spare cash on shiny pieces of cardboard, but have somehow managed to gather an outlook on life that is sympathetic, worldly, and, for the most part, seek to always extend the hand of help to others if possible. I think the my mindset a year ago might've been to try and understand which attitude was more mature or grown up... but now I certainly don't relate these to a single idea of adulthood.

I went out after University hoping to find a finite number of paths to follow for self progress, only to see that it was less of crossroads in front of me and more of a massive bus station. I mentioned before that I felt to be in a labyrinth with no way of seeing, but I was wrong - because every time I am back at this station, I know exactly where I am. Furthermore, I know there could be any number of buses coming and going anywhere - of course you don't know exactly where, but you know some idea of the directions. Naturally, you don't have to take the bus, you can walk up and down city streets any way you like with no ticket charge, but your two feet can only carry you so fast. When you look around to see what others are doing, you find there is no Clear sequence or method to their madness: some are crowding and climbing on top of the buses, dangerously filled to capacity, others are strolling leisurely in the exact opposite direction, and, oddly enough, there are so many who are sat at the bus stop who look to have not moved so much as an inch since they arrived, and have no intent, or even hope, of moving now.

It's only with reflection and having this place fresh in your memory do you realize how many times you have been there, and probably will again. No one wants to screw it up on the first departure, and no one wants to feel as if they are regressing with nothing to show. What I forgot was that I had already had my first departure long ago from that bus station, and took the first shuttle to the airport and spent 4 years studying before coming back. University gave me a long trip away from it, and when I returned it was nearly terrifying doing it again, after such a success... but I went for it and ended in Portland. Then that fell through, situations changed, and suddenly I was in San Diego. Then I departed in to a short lived career in sales, then missed the bus both for the San Diego Police Department and the video games industry (...yeah, I guess that interview didn't go as well as I thought!). Now I am effectively working in a small concessions stand inside the bus station [just to continue the metaphor that much further], stocking shelves and serving those passing through as I wait for the right bus for me to get out of town.

After a year of thought, I've concluded that the fear of returning to the bus stop after pushing yourself out, despite reservation or risk, is Youth in Desult. All those bodies sitting in the bus station going nowhere are crippled by the possibility of failure, even though where they sit is the worst place you could end up. Even though I work in the bus station, its not much better than simply sitting and doing nothing, unless I decide to buy a ticket and hop the next bus out, no matter how many times I have to try, until one day, I won't have to stay at that bus station - or if I return, it'll be for pleasure rather than business.

 In that way, after having left and come back so frequently, I find that this state of being is more comforting than terrifying. In a sense, there is opportunity all around you, and the only thing you could lose is your ego. As I said before, this is the baseline, the worst possible outcome of trying to get out is to end up right back here. So I've resolved to try and define my own path from the possibilities in front of me, despite fear or risk. People, as I said before, have different expectations of themselves - and perhaps my fear or uncertainty came from expecting too much perfection from my performance. I'm learning to accept that a constant upward tendency is impossible in life. With effort and willingness, though, your final outcome is most assuredly positive. Failure, in many ways, prepares and fortifies us with the knowledge necessary to succeed. Success needs failure. And after a year of pretty consistent and almost humorous failure, I am getting closer to squelching my absolute aversion of it, and accepting it as a sort of necessary evil.

That being said, what's the next bus to catch? I have decided after long talks with Fiona as well as giving much thought to what satisfies me that I'm going to take an approach for my career that I've pondered as an 'if-only-that-could-happen' my entire life. I've been giving advice and trying to understand personal struggle and development of the individual all of my life. Too many times I've joked, "If only I could just offer people help or advice for my job". For some reason it took me this long to have it click that it can, indeed, be done - so I've decided to pursue a degree in Counseling and Therapy. The application has been sent off to my alma mater, and I hope to hear back very soon.

In the meantime, I've continued to stock shelves at the pharmacy, and have even picked up a second job as a tutor (though business is only just starting in that venue). I've made a few new friends out of the acquaintances at the game shop, and I'm growing my circle in San Diego actually going out and, you know, doing stuff. Like watching lovely Ismael try and finish the Big Nick Burger from the local greasy spoon diner.


I've had family close during the last few holidays, including a hilarious first Halloween with Saria, and two delicious Thanksgiving feasts, one El Salvadorean and Southern from Simon's family, and the other a well needed and anticipated traditional roast that Hillary prepared. It definitely did not disappoint, and I have been happily gorging on Turkey for the last 10 days or so. In full cheesy family glory, we even went to watch the Christmas tree get lit in Balboa Park.
 

As for Christmas,  I'll also be leaving to visit the UK in about a week, and I can't wait to be back in Scotland for an entire month (it's becoming an annual tradition it seems!) and spend the rest of the holidays with the Roberts'! Most importantly, I can't wait to be reunited with Fiona after 5 months apart... it's been far too long. Hopefully an acceptance letter will do a lot to remove that problem from my life.

After years of scorning failure, I'm learning the necessity of putting yourself out there with no need for a finite or guaranteed return. Ironically, that is the only way you will make gains or progress for yourself. Every one of those tiny personal gains can contribute to actualizing a goal... so it's time to be certain of yourself, even if you may be uncertain of what those long off goals may be. While I'm not sure that'll make me a 'proper adult' or finally put me out of this limbo, I do know that by my standards it can only do me good and only lead me to better opportunities for the future. And I don't think I know a single person who this strategy wouldn't be good for, to some extent.

Going With Your Gut

Well this one is another over due post, but after getting a
much appreciated wake up call from my girlfriend about the relative monotony of my life (well... she just said everything I did sounded a bit boring - the face on the right sums it up), I needed to wait for something a bit more exciting to happen instead of just posting a long long version of "same stuff different day". Finally something has come along.

Last we left off, I was in a pretty dire mindset about the whole police thing. I did, as it turns out, get a 'We regret to inform you' letter maybe 2 weeks ago, but by that point I had already been moving towards changing focus and getting a new game plan so to speak. The industries that are most prevalent in San Diego are generally medical based, but that didn't particularly suit my education nor did I have a strong desire to push my way in by force. A few of those close to me have recommended teaching, but all of my experiences tutoring academic subjects have made me a bit hesitant - not to mention all the times I've told people about my degree in English and got the condescending response of "Oh, so I bet you want to be a teacher right?" has gotten on my nerves too many times for me to give in so easily. Admittedly, it will always be an option I can consider, I just don't want to jump in now. So I decided to break down and really go back to the basics that you used to think about when you were a kid: what do you want to be when you grow up?

Tackling the issue reminded me of a story my father told me of when he was younger and how he pissed off his pops when explaining what he wanted to do with his life. Mind you, my grandfather went by the only somewhat affectionate name of Grumpy, so I'm sure that wasn't too hard to pull off, but still I find this one memorable. Grumpy decided to ask my adolescent dad what he wanted to do when he grew up, to which dad replied, "Well, I want to do something different every day." Grumpy was a pragmatic man, and insisted harshly, "You can't do something different every day. You have one job. That's it." Of course Dad, the special snowflake he was, just shrugged and said, "You asked me what I wanted to do. I don't want just one job." In response, Grumpy was infuriated by how little sense it made, and Dad received some harsh Punishment if I recall correctly. The relevance lies in the outcome however; in his own way, Dad got what he wanted. His trade may not be as lucrative as some folks jobs, it certainly isn't glorified (until someone needs him on the spot), but Dad's job does seem to change every day. I have seen him as an architect, an engineer, an artist, a tattooist, a mechanic, a carpenter, an artisan, a sparky, a plumber, a plain work hand, and a foreman. I've heard of him as a part time drug dealer, a teacher, an army recruit, a meteorologist, a squatter, a handy man, and a down right delinquent. I've worked with him long enough to see that even employing the identical skills day after day, he makes a point to apply them differently if at all possible. While this lifestyle may not align with many people's career goals, in a way Dad did get what he wanted - he didn't end up with just one job. 

When I first heard that story, it made me chuckle, and I couldn't help but think of how like Dad it was to say something like that, even as a kid. As I grow older, however, I understand the sentiment. I feel with the infinite Opportunity there is with youth, there is almost a Fear of shutting off the doors to other paths you could take. It's a Fear of loss for something you've never had. So to take my next step, I figured, it must be about breaking down the Fear of losing that freedom to pursue something that is meaningful. Even in Dad's example, he has mastered crafts only too practical and still made time to dabble and Explore others in his spare time. My Mom is the same - 35 years as a nurse, filling entry to administrative roles, has not put her off passions from gardening and bread making to her pet birds, and now, still ever changing, Angry Birds. Why should I be afraid to commit to a career, then, when I can leave it to myself to Explore and improve in what other desires I may have?

So I went with my gut and went for an Opportunity that part of me has haphazardly dreamed about since youth - a chance to work in the video game industry. I applied for an entry level position with a very large company located locally in San Diego doing QA testing, and today I got a callback for an interview. Of course, its too soon to say whether I'll get it or not, but its given me an excitement that was different than other jobs I've applied to. Even though I'm certain I'd spend much of my time just running into walls in game and begging for glitches to happen, part of me almost feels like its a guilty pleasure that no one could possibly get paid for. That being said, I think its a prospect that also gives me a chance to add to something that I've found meaningful ever since I was a kid . It could provide me opportunities to be promoted and perhaps one day add creatively to the development of these projects. All in all, I'll be sure to bring my A-game on Friday, and let everyone know in my next installment the verdict on the position.

Aside from my new work prospects, I've been at the grind per usual. Shelf stocking has grown into a regular part of my life, photo trouble shooting more or less mindless rather than roller coaster of Panic, and I'm even starting to get a few more responsibilities here and there at the pharmacy. Though the clutter hasn't gotten much better.

I've nearly got a regular hang out with my coworkers, and with a girlfriend's guidance from 6000 miles away I've been making a point to spend part of my meager paycheck on making sure I'm getting out of the house and enjoying family time. Saria is getting bigger every day and is really starting to work her new found linguistic skills. Simon got a promotion and is both a brewer proper now and the resident Cask Master for small batch custom beers (I prefer his title of Mask Caster). And even my horribly nerdy card hobbies are even seeing improvement, as I took home a Gameday Champion play mat from my local gaming store last weekend after winning the entire event... even though many of the more skilled regulars were at a far larger tournament in LA.

 Things keep on going and I'm trying to make the most of my time while staying sane. I'm sure it'll be a while yet before I can take a proper breather - a lot may be changing pretty soon.

Constancy in Flux

How many times have you felt your life was running around in circles? And I don't mean the daily grind, or the places you regular... I mean over arching plans that end up placing you in the same exact place mentally or physically as you started, either through success or failure? I think its too easy, sometimes, to think you've been struggling to change yourself or your setting, to find nothing has truly changed at all. At least, its all too easy to start thinking that's the case.

I took my police examination this month, and I realized all my distance running hadn't ideally prepared me for the sprints, steps, and vaults of the short course. All together it was a distance traveled of only 500 yards, including going up and down roughly 70 steps, climbing over 3, 4 and 6 foot walls and dragging a 150 pound dummy, amongst other challenges. It looked deceptively easy, and most all of us were surprised by its difficulty. We arrived at 6:30am as the sun was coming over the horizon to shine on the exam course. Our primary testing officer gave us a speech to boost morale, encouraging us to band together and strengthen the resolves of our fellow candidates, and that they wanted us to succeed and be a part of the police force. He further insisted that we think of ourselves from this day forward as a team, and treat each other as such. People shouted cheers and responses of 'Sir, yes sir!', despite the fact ten minutes earlier we all were scoping out the competition.

What started as a nice cool morning turned into an oppressively hot day. It was odd seeing the mentality of many of my fellow applicants there - it felt like the sentiment expressed during the morning was perverted into only a superficially friendly gathering of team support, lined with antagonistic scrutiny and not so friendly competition. There was a tension in the air that wasn't test anxiety, but a constant feeling you had to beat the guys next to you, watching candidates make mistakes and noting them down for when you ran the course or alternatively being somewhat relieved that it was one less you had to best in the process. It wasn't something you consciously felt or pushed in your mind, there was no willful aggression - it was an undercurrent of feeling you knew just by watching others' expressions that they were feeling the same. Even some of the cheering and support from the crowd of 200+ applicants that was encouraged from the testing officers, and seemed genuine that morning, became labored or obligatory rather than any authentic empathy. The only groups that seemed closely bonded to begin with were the Marines and Navy candidates, and even their groups eyed the others with exclusionary contempt.Or just trying to flex their muscles big enough to make sure no one looked them straight in the eye.

Plenty of us made small talk together, waiting around and hearing the repeated phrases of 'Go, go, go!', 'Push!', 'Finish strong!' shouted by the coordinators. Even though there were 5 or 6 proctors, they all said the same phrases. I wondered if they were instructed even to keep those regular. I learned from a number of the other candidates their backgrounds, and they were very variable. Some worked desk jobs, others were straight out of college, still others did labor or unskilled work. Noone talked about why they wanted to join the police. It was almost as if everyone was intentionally avoiding that question, and I couldn't be sure if it was the fact they had been asked that question too many times, they had no idea what the answer was themselves, or were embarrassed what their honest answer may be. All I know is that a number of them, after hearing that I was currently working two jobs, informed me with sly smiles that, "You won't need two jobs after getting your first paycheck from this one." The sentiment was to be expected I guess... but it left the experience feeling a bit off.

I managed to pass the exam by the skin of my teeth - only fifteen seconds to spare in a three and a half minute exam. After sitting down for some rest then helping the testing proctors reset the course for other candidates for a while, my group of successful candidates from the physical exam proceeded to be escorted to a testing room to take on the Pre-Interview Questions (PIQs). This consisted of a packet of 400 questions about your past and moral character, as well as offering you space to explain any transgressions you made in the past. Of course it had all of the typical questions about drugs, previous arrests, etc. but it oddly asked many questions I never thought would be relevant... or perhaps disqualifying. Some of the more entertaining ones I enjoyed reading included: "Have you ever masturbated at work?"; "Have you ever committed cyber terrorism or attempted to by planting viruses in government computers?"; "How many times have you been drunk in the past calendar year?"(when I asked the detective to define drunk for me in this case, she gave me the equally entertaining answer of 'Well... I would define it as reaching the level where you couldn't function on your own, like passing out in a corner at a party or in a restaurant or something like that, but its really up to you what you consider drunk') The PIQ is designed to weed out bad candidates before performing a background investigation and a subsequent polygraph test, so honesty is paramount - and I didn't see much point in lying about my ethics for a position that was extremely ethically grounded. As a result, I admitted to 100's accounts of supplying alcohol to people under the age of 21, which happens all too easily with a drinking age of 18 in Scotland, as well as a number of instances of performing sexual acts with someone under 18 after reaching legal adulthood which qualifies as rape, despite the fact Fiona and I are still together and laws for consent are different on the other side of the pond. I then proceeded to recount instances of permitting people to use drugs in my presence, since I obviously can control everyone at random parties during college or, even better, at Burning Man, as well as some nostalgic stories about me getting suspended at school for smoking cigarettes and refusing to apologize to the assistant principle (though he was happy to let the other 4 guys off  got caught with me and begged for forgiveness). I got a mugshot taken of me for submission with my PIQs, and proceeded to leave the exam room with even more of a bad taste in my mouth.

I actually happened to know one of the testers for the police exam from my local game store that I play cards at, and asked him about my answers on the test as well as my score on the physical exam. He responded with a sharp intake of breath through gritted teeth, as if I just stomped on his toes, and a response of, "Oooohh.... Yeah... sorry to break it to you man, but it doesn't sound like too hot of an application to be honest..."

So who knows how it'll go? I could get a call back, but as it stands it doesn't sound very likely. And so I've ran myself into a circle it seems. Working two jobs was driving me up a wall as I had no time for myself and pulling two shifts almost every day in the week was draining me. So I ended up putting in notice for one, and work the other almost full time now. I won't stay stocking shelves and developing film forever though - and now I'm left in a position to go in any direction again. Following the police plan to fruition was meant to give me insight and direction for my professional life, and now it seems through the constant change and circumstance I have almost found myself in the same place I started coming back from university a year ago.

At this stage of still beginning my adult life, I feel often that I'm feeling my way through a labyrinth with no way to track where I've been, if I am following the same path I have before, or if I've been turned around and I am walking the opposite direction from when I've started. The riddle becomes even more difficult when you consider that the direction one walks or pushes towards in the maze doesn't matter, at least not until you figure out where it is you want to be. Moreover, it seems an even harder task to figure out what side of the structure I want to be spit out on when I do follow a path to completion. Every experience is valuable and can be utilized in one way or another at a different time, however, as a result of these sentiments, it feels as if my progress of development is slow if nonexistent.

That feeling, though, is one of necessity I think. Acknowledging that I'm going nowhere fast at this moment is more inspiration to redouble efforts and try something new. Trying anything is better than doing nothing. This failure on one front isn't a point of surrender or hopelessness but a realization that success must be found elsewhere. The key, I think, is to remain the certain despite everything changing, plans becoming undone, ideas being debased, or assumptions ending up debunked. The key is constancy in flux. And I intend to keep looking for the thing that will get me the satisfaction and pride I'm looking for in what I do - no matter how many times I fail. So what to do next? I can go in any number of possible directions... so that just means the world is my oyster, right? I guess its time to set up a new goal to achieve; I'll let you all know once I've got it nailed down.

P.S. Sorry about the lack of pictures this time around - but my scenery has pretty much solely consisted of this lately (fuck cleaning up cardboard). I'll be sure to get some good shots for next time.

Limbo Part 2: The 'Birch Boy' Edition

Entering a newly unemployed status again has been just as thrilling a process as the last few times... except for all the traveling, adventures, going out to cool new places, and all that jazz. So, in other words, it has been a lot less fun this time. After what little cash reserves got taken on extra expenses on the car I didn't anticipate (of course there were more screwed up parts!), rent, and my last grocery bill, I was pretty broke. It quickly broke down from a game of "Man, that place would be totally cool to work at. I'll apply there!" to "Job. Now. Close. Please." So, Fortune threw me a bone and I managed to get hooked up with a new gig within two weeks. Well, actually I got two jobs, because the more the merrier right? Wrong.

I now reside in a special place that I fondly think of as corporate retail's bottom rung. I work at two major corporate chains: one is a super market conglomerate and the other is the pharmacy equivalent. My job title's are both different, but are just fluffy phrases that ultimately translate to "Birch Boy" (since we're now trying not to cuss around Saria, who's talking more and more everyday). I guess that's to be expected when you get a job that quickly, and it's only a temporary deal anyway so whats the harm? As for the reason I picked up two jobs, both employers insisted that work would strictly be part time (they don't want to give me benefits) so I figured I may as well take both then, because two 20 hour weeks will just be the same amount I was working before I figured. I was wrong.

At the moment, I am working a 35-40 hour week at one and a 20 hour week at the other.  My tasks include, but are not limited to: heavy lifting, running around parking lots collecting shopping carts, bagging groceries and helping old women to their cars after their shopping is done, guiding random folks to the restroom, sweeping everything, cleaning toilets, silently judging what people are buying and being absolutely shocked at the sheer volume of soda/frozen ready meals/sweets included, attending to spontaneously explosive Gatorade bottles, making shelves look pretty, dealing with gallon smashers and what they leave behind, running around wildly to a manager whenever there is something they haven't taught me (which is alot) and covering anyone who is on break - whether they be a photo tech, cashier, whatever. The people are pretty alright, ranging from high school kids to proper middle aged career people, and their mindsets and attitudes are just a varying... it helps to keep the shifts a little more interesting. The most screwed up part is that I actually find this job much less stressful, easier to manage, and far more bearable than sales, even if I just do most the jobs no one else really wants to. Not to mention I'm learning very quickly the difference between a 40 hour work week and a 55-60 hour work week. Back to back shifts with no over time is pretty brutal - 12 hours on your feet gets tiring quick. You really realise how much a day off means when you don't get one since you commenced employment because if you aren't working at one location, you're definitely working at the other. But hey - no matter how many times I sit in the depressing break room and think, "God, I never thought I'd be doing this right now", it pays the bills right? And soon I'll have some spending cash to be able to go out and, like, do stuff or whatever.

Even when I'm not working, I am on the clock in preparation for my upcoming Physical Examination for the police this month. Well, it's not so much the initial test that worries me, as its only a 500 yard obstacle course, but rather the commencement of academy. They expect a certain degree of fitness - or rather they make you do exercise every day, so you better be fit if you don't want to die. As such, I've been taking special steps to make sure I'm prepared, breaking out the old workout tricks from back in my high school water polo days. Primarily calisthenics and cardio, I end up running about 2.3 miles 4 or 5 times a week, though that is sometimes an issue due to working schedules and other appointments. What started as a task full of disarray has actually translated into a decent amount of fitness that is growing all the time. To think my first run I only went about 1.6 miles, stopping and starting due to fatigue, and had to lie down in a bath for about ten minutes immediately after getting home to prevent myself from chundering every where, I'm surprised how much easier my runs are getting and how it's becoming just a normal routine - I guess that means I need to push myself harder.  Hell, there's another thing I'd never thought I'd be saying that to myself either. At least I'll be ready to run the 3.5 miles daily my first week of academy, not to mention getting out of the house a bit, and, who knows, maybe I'll lose a few pounds.

All this work is sort of a natural inclination - I feel like being a productive member of society (or something like that) is something I've been waiting all my life to do and all I've been preparing myself for. Which is sorta true I guess, but there's always been a part of me that feels like I wasn't offering myself to do more, and while I hope to find that in the police, I certainly am busting my ass for nothing very important in my full Birch Boy capacity. I mean, aside from making rent of course. My brother Reed and I got the opportunity to speak for a long while for the first time in at least a few months. Hearing about his work up in Portland, his friend groups, as well as certain projects and business ideas he is working with was fascinating of course, but he brought up something I'd never really given too much thought to.
 
 "Don't you think you're rushing into this a bit? Why don't you do more stuff for you? You're young man - You're going to have responsibilities soon. Why don't you go somewhere, do something? It may be hard on the wallet... but what is that couple hundred bucks gonna mean to you in 5 years?" Well, I know I'm definitely not gonna care about a place on this work decoration in 5 years.

Hearing that made my gut curdle a bit, like I'm missing out on some part of my life. I've never been very great at buying or spending for myself. The way he put it is that I'm so willing to throw myself under the bus for anyone that I care about, but I can't even be bothered to do something for myself aside from the necessary really. So his question stands: "why bust your ass with two jobs that you don't care about, working almost every day and if not working for other work, when you're 22 and need to go see and do stuff?" It's a hard one to answer. I know he's speaking from a place of logic, but its almost difficult for me to accept that this is my only chance for those things. I feel like I need to earn my opportunities, and truly make them mine. I need to work hard, and then enjoy the fruits of my labors, because as time goes on it almost feels like a stress not to be working towards something - at least in a grand scheme of some sort. Perhaps taking a trip, or treating myself to things I want now wouldn't change those big plans.... In fact I know they wouldn't, but I feel sometimes I need to be working the earth while I enjoy it. Otherwise it's not a good balance, and makes me fear that I'm wasting time. I've been trying to focus more on doing things enjoyable for me, being a bit more impulsive with things I want, but I find my impulsiveness is whats setting me down a career path so early.  More over, its hard to find the time between work... But I know I'll be working on it more. Its funny how easy it is to forget yourself when you think about plans, thoughts, ideals, relationships or any other thing in life - Reed has a point. There's no use martyring yourself over nothing... but what is 'nothing' in this case? It's all a stepping stone process it feels like, constantly fluttering in and out of what you might think are significant phases, but ultimately all parts are getting you to a destination. As for now, I just can't wait to be guaranteed a reasonable schedule so I can start taking advantage of that time and making sure that cash is going to not just the basics, but the things I enjoy. And I imagine there will definitely be some plane tickets thrown in there somewhere in the recent future - even if only for a weekend or so.

Work is introducing me to new people that are far more local than at my last job, so hopefully I'll have more adventures than just the occasional friend coming down (and getting plenty messy), a celebratory day from Germany's World Cup win, or the one day holiday Hillary, Simon, Saria and I got to take out to Idyllwild.

 

As for now, I'm trying to make hay while the sun shines. I need to take opportunities while I still feel enthusiastic about them - unless I want them to fizzle out into silly fantasies or that horrible 'Yeah it'd be cool, but a pain in the ass' feeling. If I've realized anything in the past few years, it's clear that figuring out what you want is the hardest part - but letting that want go for fear of regretting the decision later isn't such a simple decision. It's one of these conundrums where, to figure out what you really want, you gotta pour everything you have into it.  I'll make sure I'm making it all as worth while as I can in the mean time...  at least until something better comes along.

Restart

After what seemed like no time at all, it seems I've fallen far behind on my blogging efforts, so Ill try and give us a good reboot to get everyone back up to speed. Now right around the end of May when I was thinking about doing my monthly blog update (despite the fact not much had changed), I got a surprise visitor come to cheer me up from my day to day working struggle in my sales career. And it was absolutely needed.

When I say surprise, I mean absolutely tricked into finding her at the airport. Hillary and my brother in law Simon convinced me to tag along to pick one of their friends up from the airport. Dreading the next day, the start of a new work week on the phones, we made our way to San Diego international, and pulled up to the arrivals section. After waiting a minute and hearing Hillary text in the back, she told me to look outside the sliding reflective glass doors, and I saw her. I was greeted by our friend at the airport, who was in fact Fiona Roberts. I was absolutely dumb founded. Shocked and awed, I felt like I had somehow cheated time and space itself, since she was meant to get here in August. I got out of the car, still starstruck, and embraced her. Aside form the hugs and kisses, all she had to offer me was this cheeky smile for the next week and "I can't believe you didn't even realise it!!!".

Yeah, well, I can't be a mind reader all the time. So I've not had too much time by myself to write blog posts as it turned out - and certainly between a 5:30 am start and fun filled activities all afternoon I hardly had the time! Finally all the things I had put off doing in San Diego were being done now alongside my lovely visitor - beaching it every weekend, visiting Balboa Park, hitting the local festival in Solana, visiting the Birch Aquarium and kicking about La Jolla Coves, visiting the Cabrillo National Monument, changing Fiona's identity - too many things to relate them all accurately. 

 

 

 


Just know it was alot of running around and a lot of well appreciated enjoyment, relaxation and a fair amount of stress, mostly over my Volkswagen Beetle which was still in the process of getting fixed!! That doesn't mean I didn't give it a good go anyhow - the beach awaited after all!

 

Now I said before that I didn't want to make this blog a lush and flowery depiction of my love life, dramatic as it is, but I do want to say that I have been much much happier and inspired since Fiona's visit. I miss her already, and I can't wait for her to be back again.

There has been some big developments (if you can call them that...) on the other side of my professional life. It was a tiring 3 weeks trying to keep up with my sales position and Fiona's visit, and we spoke very often of my work, how I felt doing it, and the satisfaction it was giving me. Unfortunately, I realised very quickly that there wasn't really much to say about it. I had found myself in a grind of showing up to work on some fabled notion that I should because it'll make me a 'success'. Don't get me wrong, I learned plenty from that sort of job about self-responsibility and the efforts to make great gains in a nearly entrepreneurial setting based on delivering when the pressure is high. Those lessons will stick with me for life. However, over the course of May and June, that 'success' notion started to deteriorate: my sales team, who I derived a lot of inspiration from, was split up and our coach had to withdraw from her position; some of my best coworkers were let go based on performance or personal choices; Hell, I listened to tracks about positivity, sales and success every morning just to justify my job somehow to myself, and try and believe that it was getting my closer to some matured notion of doing whats right for me. The more I thought about it, the more I hated my job. I hated the people I spoke to on the phone and most of them hated me, I hated the abstract idea of success everyone thrived on but was so ill defined, I hated the fickle results driven world of sales and the constant responsibility to make sure you never rock someones boat or affect their mood. No matter how friendly or nice or unique an environment like that is, I found it to be stifling and devoid of a lot of personal contact, because my personality wasn't built to be positive 24/7. I found it exhausting, but I kept on soldiering on because I knew it would grow some part of me and I wasn't about to turn down money. My only friend I really had a proper bond with was the guy I carpooled with to work, Alex, and he really was chasing that success dream - trying to start his own company, working 2 jobs, getting involved in MLM's, all to prove it to himself or something. I tried the better part of 4 months to understand and define what Alex was chasing, but even the relative idea of everyone having different standards was unsatisfying. It was as if people were being told they wanted this thing without even being told what it is. I felt that people weren't chasing their own success, but were going through the motions that people promised would make them successful. All the tapes, our managers, it all seemed like they were selling to us - but it wasn't marketing or service, it was a promise that we would expand and develop financially, personally, or whatever. It did not matter who you were, they seemed to have the solution for you, as did every tape, every book and every manager. As a result I became more cynical, and when my group split I was put on a new team.

My new team leader was actually quite down to Earth, and unlike the rest of the managers, wasn't solely driven on results or empty promises. He treated his team members as people rather than number and gave them the respect of equals. In his eyes, he was no different than us; I admired his management style quite a lot, even if I was only on his team for half a month. After many chats, I told him of my resolve to leave my position and that I would start looking for new work - and he was not at all surprised. We talked about it often that I was good at this job, had the potential to be great, but I gained no satisfaction from it. He told me he supported any decision I would make professionally, and I definitely held him to that. We ended up having a friendly relationship that kept at the company definitely longer than I would've without it. As a culmination of all these things, and my constant feeling of wasting time behind a desk rather than being with Fiona, I quit my job the second I got a notice back from my next career path I've decided to pursue. While everyone but my manager was surprised, they all wished me the best, and I thanked them for the opportunity genuinely. That company did a lot for it's employees - I just couldn't bear to be one. Not for another moment, and certainly not for the rest of my life.

Now that I had bailed on the sales, I am pursuing a job in Law Enforcement. While working in the sales sector, I've come to understand it is absolutely essential to make sure that what you're doing (not just why you're doing it) is a meaningful act. As a telemarketer, I knew my product was good, my company's service was excellent, and we would make a vast improvement in any client we took on - so long as they did their part for their business as well. But there was no satisfaction as I could not see those effects, and everything about the process was an uphill battle. I felt that I was helping people who did not care to be helped, and didn't really appreciate the help either, and all it did was line their pockets with more money, or rob them to put it in ours. It became a matter of the act I did in performing the job was just a means to an end, and that end was primarily a paycheck. I honestly found more satisfaction serving at a bar and seeing people atleast having a good time with a beer in their hand. As a result, I've decided to join the Police because I know that every act I will do during the day would be conducive to both an immediate satisfaction of protecting and serving, as well as get me a financial gain. Moreover, I have the opportunity to move up to more intellectually stimulating positions, and I can work just about anywhere I like in the U.S., and higher up there are opportunities abroad if I am determined to pursue them. To me, this could be the first step in a line of work that could actually be rewarding and long term. I have to say... I am thrilled about it. Seriously.

 And while that sounds all good and dandy, and I'm certainly excited about it, I've found that I underestimated the hiring process.... and I've found myself with a 3 month lull until I could be potentially admitted into the program. So... what now? I've taken my first exam and passed, but I still wont have my next til mid August. It was definitely worth it for my two weeks of 100% devoted time to Fiona, but now I have to start from scratch again. Luckily I'm situated in a busy part of town, so there's plenty of places to apply to... but it seems like I'm back to square one again. Time to get back on the horse after an amazing vacation with my girlfriend, and hit the restart button. It's easy to see it as 2 steps forward, 3 steps back, but at least I know I'm moving in the right direction.